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hi diary, heres my first entry. today i purged twice, the first time i got a lot out i think. the second time i really just got out some fried rice. i didnt get out the bun i ate. im quite happy, because i feel sick. i dont feel sick all that often anymore, and its really validating to know that i do in fact have an eating disorder. nobody else spends as much time of their day slung over the toilet with their fingers in their mouth. i think things are getting better, but in some ways, they're getting worse. yesterday i puked so much that the cherries i had right after breakfast came out. today has been rough. dream had a lot of drama, and i thought he was fat. i dont know if the leak of his 'face/body' is real, but i honestly doubt it. op seemed like a shitposter. im talking to ruben and everyone now. i wonder how that will go. i spoke to cyber and yharim today, for quite a while. i like yharims voice, but i can tell they dont like me very much. maizy is someone new here, who is old. shes been here for a while but i hadnt met her yet. im thinking about old stuffs. i think what happened was kind of rough. i dont know, i just get mad. what i went through was really, really hard. i still just don't know how to think about the way it felt. i don't think my heart has beat quite as just hard as when danny would bring up his murder fantasies. it's really hard to call him danny, because i don't want him to be danny in my head. i should be remembering him as daniel. when he was daniel, he was a normal teenage boy and i was in a normal kid crush story. now its just not that. i keep telling myself im just a kid and im not thinking right, and ill have more capacity when im older. more self control, more maturity, some greater grasp on this situation and my life. i dont know if the hurt im expressing is just as bad as i believe, or something i'm overly-interested in. i know that i cut, and im hitting deep. the scars are there too, but its only my thighs, no one will validate me for that. i vomit, thats something. nobody knows, and they wont, but im vomiting. im trying to restrict, but i cant. one of the only things that makes me happy is food, and i have to change that. i lost weight, but now im plateauing. i want to kill myself sometimes, but everyone does. i dont know how to decipher all of this and discover what i am and am not. i mean, just how sad is everybody else? is what im feeling different, at all? i mean, i just do not know. im really not all that smart, i used brainly for a large part of school last year. i cant do that this year, i really don't think. i may, as its k-12, but i dont know. recently ive been really attached to this one idea, on a completely different subject. im horrified of it, but im really starting to believe. the idea is that we're all reincarnated as one another, on one big timeline. we must be one another. i'm just so scared. i dont really know what to do. i dont know if i want attention or not either. i don't want to tell anyone at all about my cutting, because friends would tell my parents and that would ruin my life. as well, they'd probably do it to get me help, but god knows my parents will never get me help. for the same reason, i cant tell my parents. im just going to have to live the rest of my teenage life with an eating disorder and cutting issues. i dont want to just stop, because ill never be able to fully recover. plus, its just a part of me. just five more years 'dead-set ahead of me', it sounds rough as shit. i just dont really know. im done writing for tonight, its 4:14 am and i want to get to bed before 6. night night, bye.
today has to be good. it just has to, i cant risk another day of messing up. everyday that i mess up life gets worse. i just have to reach 16, or else i'll just die or something i dont know. bmi 16 is what i NEED. my throat is so sore and ive only been going hard on the vomit the past few days, its not usually this frequent. i hope i can still sing.
its early june 12, like 4 am, and i puked twice but im starting to feel sick (yesterday). my stomach is churning all the time and my throat is bleeding and swollen even hours after. my styros are beginning to scar, which has taken weeks. i almost cut fat a while ago, and i think thats one of my greatest accomplishments. i talked to cyber for so many hours, and molten some of that as well. i shaked really really bad while going on omegle and talking to boys. i just cant handle being near men im just horrified. i love doing funny stuff, and it feels good to know more about something than someone else. its just unfortunate that i know more about weird sex stuff. i had an okay day with food. i barely ate but i had a fucking fiber thing late night on call because i was just fucking starving. everything hurts, my head, throat, body. my dad is trying to make me do extracurriculars and go outside and do all the stuff i cant. i had to cover up my mirror which feels so cliche but god, i cant go outside. i just cut anytime i have to go out its just. i want to die. i dont know how to talk about this with anyone. i just cant. im going to cut now. i want to tell somebody so badly. i just need to wait until im deathly skinny or something, i need to be noticed. i need people to see on the outside just whats going wrong. maybe my parents will try to treat me then, without just pushing a psychiatrist or the mental hospital. the mental hospital is disgusting. i want to watch porn or something ahh. my twitter got suspended. i dont really know what to do anymore. i like 'the sea is a good place to think of the future' and 'allen pages midnight ride' a lot right now. i really just dont know what to do, just i feel so alone and hurt. i dont like a lot of people but those that i do will never be right for me. i dont know, im just tired.
just everything is bad, my throat hurts so bad, i filmed myself purging and it was so pretty but just everything hurts. i want to give up and die god my stomach hurts so bad.
i just got back from florida and im like so fucking mad?? i got my braces off which is cool but this molten kid is a genuine incel. he wont be in call when im there and its so frus. whatever whatever like stop making woman jokes and hating me so much just for existing like please. its pathetic idk he just sucks, genuinely.